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Oh, not on students, of course, because that is probably against the law. On the board, I meant unless you live in some place like Nebraska and have cows grazing outside the school. In this case, you should brand the map on the wall with your name, because you want to remember not to sub in Nebraska again. Apparently, a new fad amongst teachers is to give tests as often as plane fares change, because of the correlation between a teacher trying to earn enough money to pay the bus fare to the airport and the erratic schedule of the public bus system and while students test, the teacher can work a side job, such as being a technical writer.

This has resulted in a drop in grades, due to the fact that, while the number of test questions has increased, the number of answers the students bother to learn has not.

What this means for you, as a substitute, is that it is likely you will need to give a test to students during the day, and that you should be prepared to do this. The Golden Rule of Cheating. If you catch a student cheating, they obviously would like to be cheated off of as well. Therefore, you should snatch their test and copy all of the answers that they have so far onto the board at the front of the room. If anybody so much as glances at these answers, they too are cheating, so you should do the same with their test.

If the class is made up of normal teenagers, and not teens who show up to school with a collar and tie and seven last names one of them being a number written with Roman numerals , by the end of the class the board will be covered in answers. At this point, you can allow cheating, because it is likely that each student will be stupid enough to cheat off of his or her own answers on the board. Therefore, during a test is a great time to learn a new instrument, especially trumpet, drums, or barry sax.

Take a Job on the side. Nothing should prevent you from doing other work while students take a test. However, make sure that you are equipped with a mask of some sort, so that you can slide it above your eyes as you look down and make it seem as if you are still scanning the class but it can be difficult to find a school-appropriate mask.

If you are not giving the impression that you are constantly watching the students, then they will form groups and, consequently, all blame a group member for their failure instead of themselves.

Sometimes, a student will ask a question about something on the test. This is always an attempt to gain help with the question, no matter how innocent it might seem. Therefore, you need to avoid answering these questions, and instead go on the offensive attack is the best defense.

Seating arrangements can make it easier or harder to cheat, depending on how close the desks are. To ensure it is impossible to cheat, you should utilize all objects in the room to spread the students out. Yes, you read that right. Also, after this section I will try to restrain myself when it comes to jokes on how little teachers make because the teachers of today barely—ahem, sorry. Gotta love it, for it is the most useful tool of making extra money. You know all those papers that need a parent signature?

And organ donor form? Yeah, sure, son, just have fun. For added entertainment, attach this clause in bolded, all-caps size 24 font and see all of the forms still come back signed. However, if you take, say, three paper clips a day, in a few millennia you will have enough to become a door-to-door paper clip salesman assuming, of course, that in future millennia there are still doors, and not some amazing and frequently re-released Apple product instead.

Use any spare time you have to create a very believable invitation for money for, say, a long-lost grandmother in Libya. Chances are, the school facilities are lacking a lemonade stand. You need to show up at the school an hour early, with thirty or more fresh Starbucks products. Then, as people walk in the door, offer them one. Often, society is more stable in here than it is in the classroom, but there are still a few things you need to know.

If the plants are fake, you should still dump the coffee on them weigh your options: If there are donuts, eat them. There is no state law that provides for them, so this means they must have been bought at a place that knows how to make food that will kill both plants and humans.

This accomplishes two things: No matter how the teachers show it, know that deep down, they appreciate having to enter their password and username, submitting a DNA sample, and scanning their retina to use the sofa. Usually, teachers have mailboxes somewhere in this lounge, but, sadly, they do not often get enough junk mail to read. There are many things that can be done to show respect in the classroom, but here are a few common ones.

This is also aids greatly in determining respect, because teenagers all have the same expression. This borders the other side of the line-your respect for students. If he is, well, why do you think that port-o-potties can be locked from the outside using rope or string? Between respect and fear.

Therefore, you could do any number of things to instill fear in the students, which could be misinterpreted by a blind onlooker, wearing sunglasses, as respect. Emergencies happen, but not very often. Usually, you are required to go outside and form lines, and then count people, grabbing a walkie-talkie as you go in case a fire is loud enough that it becomes more useful to talk into the static desolation than to the teacher seven feet to your left.

This is one where you are required to stay in the building, cowering under desks which, by the way, have any number of unneeded metal supports to prevent you from doing so. Unless there is a real earthquake, students will fall asleep, so make many loud noises during this drill.

If there is an actual earthquake, students will get out their phones to take pictures or text others, so you should ignore the falling debris and walk around confiscating student phones. The principle of hiding is key in this one as well, and it occurs when a criminal is around the school premises.

Although it is not recommended, you could even get out the walkie-talkie and pray to the god of static. There is no drill for a tsunami, but in the event one occurs, you should set off the fire alarm. Then, while everyone is lined up outside, you can raid the art hall for enough materials to quickly build a boat.

The federal government does, but unless you are teaching science and you really get out of control, you should be okay. That is why there is an indemnifying clause for violence committed by teachers in science class, for it is for the good of the nearby population and you wondered why science classrooms always had the most yardsticks and obscure torture devices.

The safest way to execute this is with a bathtub, a hairdryer, and a student. These are absolutely terrific for motivating students. Tell them that if they finish the work in x minutes, they can volunteer to be cut in half. Why do I need your twenty? Because these are widely used nowadays from the workplace to schools, it can be assumed that these are terrific motivational tools.

This is a great motivator for basketball teams if they score over , the crowd gets free Chalupa coupons , so it will probably work for the classrooms as well; hand them out for high academic achievement. As great as you might be in using all of these tips, there will always be a school where the students are too unruly to control. This is a sturdy first line of defense, and it can give the appearance that you are too removed to realize the students are not working. However, it is extremely flammable and very flimsy, so take this into consideration when the torches and pitchforks get passed out.

A more durable option than the newspaper, sandbags will usually keep you safer. Just remember to arrive early to set them up properly, and also consider that this could be against school policy. Paperweights and rulers can be very, uh, handy in a pinch. Otherwise, this can be an outlet to talk to the dial tone deity, the cousin of the supreme static being who lives in the walkie-talkie.

At most high schools, it is common for the office to send summons and subpoenas for various students by way of slips of paper delivered by very responsible illiterate read: These can interrupt class and cause much drama, so be careful when dealing with these notes.

Over a class, save up these notes until the last twenty minutes. This should send an influx of two to five students to the office at once, which is more than enough to baffle the many administrators. It is likely that the student delivering the note is brain-dead and incoherent, so you should play with their head for your personal entertainment one of the perks of the job. Pass it Down the Row. Give the note to the first student next to you and tell them to pass it down.

They simply have to call x students to the office a day to keep people walking through the halls so the motion sensor lights stay on. This depends mostly on facial expressions, and will endear you to the students and should be combined with No matter how many tips you follow, it is this section that will be most vital to keeping you alive from day-to-day.

Also, for example purposes, I was forced to bring back Butch from the Juvenile Detention Facility where I originally found him.

While not strictly discipline, you will need this to be allowed to execute most of these methods. To get it signed, simply ask the students to sign it. However, there will be one kid who reads it and refuses to sign this. Old things can be great. I mean, look at electricity! Or take Brett Favre. This was originally a punishment in the middle ages, but it has seen popularity skyrocket because no one is willing to eat non-organic fruit thanks to some educated studies done by people with aluminum foil hats.

In elementary school, this could have been motivation, but in high school, being constantly thanked by the teacher is a reputation suicide. Then give the other students the opportunity of trying to dunk the phones. This is not legal, but that is why you have the liability waiver. Any student causing trouble should be moved from their current position.

Not hanging with gallows, of course, just hanging people out the window by their toes. This only has to be used once, and then it should control the class. Then, of course, profusely apologize with enormous hand gestures, spilling coffee on those around them.

If you need to use these tips, then I congratulate you: You have to be able to leave the building without the principle catching you and reprimandin-I mean, thanking you for your work, because their thanks will last awhile first they will thank you, then they will ask whoever is nearby to thank you, then they will comment on what a special occasion this is, then they will sing the alma mater. So, as I have mentioned previously, spoons work extremely well.

You should leave the classroom neater than you found it, but this could take a long time. You can also burn everything and go for a minimalist look.

Find a Good Lawyer. Always be prepared, remember? Also, changing your name and moving to another state would also be a good idea at this point. There you are, readers, teachers, students, teens, and anybody I missed. Feel free to share this with anybody and everybody, especially any teachers or substitute teachers you know subcontext: Out of curiosity, which tip was your favorite? Want more just like it? Have a strange rash on your arm that is slowly turning into an alien life form?

Subscribe to get more-convenient and free yes, that is even the solution to that last question. Want more hilarious content? You can pick up your copy on our ebook page. If you want to share this blog with your readers, you can copy and paste the html code below.

May 4, at Substitute teachers work on an as needed basis and their hours may not be consistent. However, it is possible for substitution to lead to a more permanent position. Some school districts require a minimum number of college credit hours. Yet in other institutions, only a high school diploma may be required. These differences in education may also depend upon if the substitution is short-term or long-term. In addition to earning the education needed, the perspective substitute teachers should acquire a background check and make sure to meet health and immunization requirements.

All school employees must complete a criminal background check, which includes submitting fingerprints. Convictions and pending criminal cases will disqualify prospective substitute teachers from becoming certified or licensed. Most districts will require all school employees to have updated immunization records. Some districts even call for training on communicable health topics. Depending on the school district, prospective substitute teachers may be required to complete training courses and pass written exams in order to earn certification.

After obtaining certification, individuals are allowed to substitute in a variety of grade levels and schools within a district. Districts have diverse standards and guidelines that substitutes must meet in order to renew and keep their certifications updated. Some districts require interviews. Substitute teachers may also need to complete an orientation program. An individual may give themselves more substitute teaching options by earning an advanced degree.

In summary, to become a successful substitute teacher , you should strive to meet any and all educational requirements, obtain substitute teacher certification, work in a local school district, and potentially even earn an advanced degree. Becoming a Substitute Teacher. Find out what the state of Arizona requires from potential substitute teachers. Read about education requirements as well as Though substitute teachers do not need to meet the same requirements as full-time teachers, there are still certain criteria Colorado requires that its substitute teachers renew their licenses after a certain amount of time.

Below is information on how Substitute teaching can be both a challenging and rewarding job. The listings below may include sponsored content but are popular choices among our users. Explore over 4, video courses. Find a degree that fits your goals. An error occurred trying to load this video. Try refreshing the page, or contact customer support.

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Writing a teacher resume template can be quite challenging; because your dealings will entail imparting knowledge and two because the teaching profession shapes young minds, so you have to demonstrate these two qualities to your employer. Welcome to the Charter School Substitute Teacher Network (CSSTN). If your charter school is scrambling to find qualified substitutes for your classrooms or if you need more personalized support, CSSTN can help!